by eanrsmoSo long as the quid pro quo is not hiding in the shadows, then casual sex (or more apt, casual hookups) is not a problem. In fact, it’s a vital part of some people’s sex lives. According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, a sexuality specialist who works in hospitals across the country, the hookup culture’s new mantra is that casual sex is cool, and that more people need to embrace it. “I think we’re in an era of cultural amnesia,” she says, “in which we’ve forgotten that sex was once very, very different.”
That was the case, at least, for virtually all of human history, before the very first online dating site came along. Even back then, the first person at least a few significant others might have introduced themselves to was, in fact, someone you only had sex with. “Sex was not casual,” Dr. Mintz says. It was relational — it involved meeting someone for the first time, deciding how you felt about them, and deciding whether you wanted to engage in a sexual relationship. From that moment on, any time you’d have sex — whether with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or with someone you just met at a bar — it’d be with a relationship, and you’d be choosing it as much as the person you slept with.
And perhaps even more importantly, if sex was casual, then sex didn’t have to be full of anxiety or complication, either. That’s an added bonus of this societal shift, Dr. Mintz says. Sex is no longer carried out in secret, hidden away in a quiet place. It’s quite the opposite; it’s out there, and there’s no need to hide it from anyone — including your parents, or the person you’re sleeping with — or what you feel for them. It’s kind of a social norm, too, where sex is not just regarded as a function of sex; it’s part of a relationship.
Of course, much of this comes down to how comfortable you are with your feelings, and the lack of shame that some people have after having sex with someone you don’t feel that way for. If you’re going down the casual hookup route, you might feel less like you need to hide in the shadows from your girlfriend or boyfriend, and more like you and the other person can share what you’re going through. After all, “you still want to talk about your feelings, don’t you?” Dr. Mintz asks. But she does clarify
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The concept behind the term “fuckbuddies” is that you’ve reached the point in your life where casual sex is non-negotiable, and you’re turning to a friend to help you out. “There’s no judgment and no expectation,” says Brennan. “You’re just having some sex and it’s OK that you have it with your best friend.”
There’s a great expectation that as we get older, we all go through a sort of period where we’re doing casual sex, and then we become more mature and then it drops to the bottom of the priority list,” says Brennan, who believes that that most men fall somewhere in the middle. “They do have sex with their wives or girlfriends, but there’s that awkward moment with their friends, and then they get to work, and that’s the end of it.”
Whether or not you’re having sex with your friends, you should protect your relationship with your partner. “It doesn’t really take a great deal of effort or preparation to have a fling with a person you know,” says J. Abercrombie, a relationship counselor and co-author of “It Just Got Real: Connecting With Yourself and Connecting With Others.” “It’s usually pretty easy to have that sense of temporary noncommitment [to your partner] and use that to bring up old flames.”
It’s difficult not to feel sort of flattered when you’re someone’s first girlfriend or first experience. Dating apps are a godsend for meeting people, but we all know that flaky people can be a total pain. But when you’re having sex with someone you like, there’s not a lot of anxiety or second-guessing. They don’t turn into some ridiculous person that you’re dreading seeing again, and that’s a good thing. It’s just as pleasurable as having sex with someone you care about — if not more so.
Familiarity isn’t a total stranger — especially if you’re going down to be a part of someone’s first time. And if you’re playing with someone like a sexual toy (and like a sexual toy, they will treat you like one), then you can essentially skip the foreplay and get straight to the fun bits. That’s the upside to having casual sex with a guy you know — it’s not an entirely new experience.
“There’s a reason that sex therapists refer to casual sex as sexy,” says Dr. Logan Levk
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